Green Possum

I went to the fair for the first time since I’ve moved here and it made me think…

Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts.  I fall into a ferris wheel pattern -  One minute I see things jarringly up-close followed quickly by things blurring together in the distance, sometimes whimsical and dreamy and sometimes disorienting. 

Tonight is one of those nights where my thoughts take me on a ride.

Thought #1: did I put my life together in the manner that a ‘carnie’ sets up a ride?  I’m always waiting for something to go wrong; a screw to come  loose in the foundation of the machine that sends it sailing off the tracks. 

Thought #2: what is the prize at the end of the game?  After I’ve spent all that I can spend, is there a wonderful award, a smelly stuffed unicorn, or does the satisfaction come from knowing that I’ve beaten the unbeatable? 

Thought #3: My thoughts sound very depressing.

Thought #4: When the upper turn of the ferris wheel leaves me feeling whimsical and dreamy I long for a pause button.  These moments in my life, I want to capture.  I’m reminded of an old camera where if you move at all, you blur the image. You must hold your breath, focus on one object. You can’t even blink or you’ll lose it.   If those moments last forever - if they are constant – would I truly understand how amazing they are? Or would I regard them as normal and commonplace?  And then I understand God…

God is love, God is good, God is perfect.  

The only way I see that is because He allows love, goodness, and perfection to be absent at times. He allows me to struggle.  He allows me to think thoughts 1-3. He allows me to make mistakes, to be rude, bitter, hurt, alone.  He doesn’t rejoice in it, though, because He loves me.  He hurts with me, He sees me in my sorrow, and He waits patiently for me to call for Him.  

I wonder sometimes why I make decisions that I know will hurt me… For instance, today at the fair, I ate donuts and a corn dog.  They were delicious!  But my body rejects me when I eat those things.  I thought, ‘it’ll be worth it this time.’  I was wrong.  My body has been aching since the moment I ate them.  My arms, my legs, my head.  I am fatigued, I am grouchy, and worst of all, I am wallowing in self pity. (as you might have noticed)… But again… Even though I make poor decisions, God is ready to be near me.  He reminds me that I can learn from any mistakes.  Even mistakes that are ridiculously delicious!

This life is a ride – enjoy the ups, the downs, and the blurred and dreamy scenes along the way.  You may not win and you may get thrown off along the way, but the ride is worth it – and God is and will be right beside you for the journey.