Green Possum

London is the newest addition to my family. Even though she’s been super sick, she brightens my day so very much!

It’s amazing how often God interjects his voice in just the right time to prepare you for situations.

While working out last Thursday morning I listened to a sermon on Godly contentment.  How often, we seek and seek and seek yet fail to be content in the provisions of God.  Content that, while life isn’t how we planned, it is what God has put into motion.  I was struck at the realization that I am always seeking – waiting, looking, hoping for that next thing, be it a significant other, a promotion, a better house, more friends, cooler furniture, more time with my family.  There is always a sense of discontentment in my life.  

It amazed me that God reminded me so quickly and in a way that spoke to me that my contentment should be in Him. 

Just as I had processed and found satisfaction in that, my past and I met face to face and rehashed old hurts.  It reminded me that God had brought me so far in my life and in my faith.   While it hurt to recall the past and the manner in which I had failed, I was also reminded of how God had been with me and endured alongside me.  How, while in the pit, He was there.  While confused and lost in the wilderness, He continued to navigate my life.  He waited for me, and I can wait for my desires, too – I am content in God.  He will provide in His time – His perfect time.   He will lead me beside still and calm waters of life and restore me with His grace and gentleness.

FREE INDEED

by Charles R. Swindoll

Romans 6:14 NLT

My hope has been to create an appetite for grace that is so strong nothing will restrain us from pursuing the freedom and spontaneity it can bring—a longing so deep that a new spiritual dawn, a “grace awakening,” if you will, cannot help but burst through the wall of legalism. Since I am a Christian minister, much of my involvement and exposure is in the realm of the church and Christian organizations. It has been my observation that even here most folks are not free; they have not learned to accept and enjoy the grace that has come to us in Jesus Christ. Though He came to set us free, it saddens me to say that many still live behind the wall of bondage. Regrettably, the stones of constraint are everywhere to be found. Instead of being places of enthusiastic, spontaneous worship, many churches and Christian ministries have become institutions that maintain a system of religion with hired officials to guard the gates and to enforce the rules.

In vain I have searched the Bible, looking for examples of early Christians whose lives were marked by rigidity, predictability, inhibition, dullness, and caution. Fortunately, grim, frowning, joyless saints in Scripture are conspicuous by their absence. Instead, the examples I find are of adventurous, risk-taking, enthusiastic, and authentic believers whose joy was contagious even in times of painful trial. Their vision was broad even when death drew near. Rules were few and changes were welcome. The contrast between then and now is staggering.

The difference, I am convinced, is grace. Grace scales the wall and refuses to be restricted. It lives above the demands of human opinion and breaks free from legalistic regulations. Grace dares us to take hold of the sledge of courage and break through longstanding stones. Grace invites us to chart new courses and explore ever-expanding regions, all the while delighting in the unexpected. While others care more about maintaining the wall and fearing those who guard it, grace is constantly looking for ways to freedom. Grace wants faith to fly, regardless of what grim-faced officials may say or think or do.

There is a “grace awakening” loose in the land. Will you become a part of it? While you take your turn with the sledgehammer and pound away, a host of us are standing near, and some of us may be half a world away, cheering you on. Don’t think of it as a lonesome, isolated task. You are breaking through to freedom, and no one is more delighted than the Lord Jesus Christ, who has promised you His grace. Never forget His words: “If therefore the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.” Stay at it. By the grace of Almighty God, the new movement will someday sweep across every continent and the longstanding wall that has kept people in bondage for centuries will come tumbling down. And we shall all, at last, be free indeed.

On occassion, I’m reminded that life is cyclical.  It moves, it comes back to you.  I’m not sure that I believe in karma, but I do believe in being able to meet people where they are because you once were there yourself. 

Today I was contacted by an old friend that I haven’t seen or spoken to since college.  She kindly asked me how I was doing, but her tone was different - not as ‘robust’ of a spirit as I had remembered. She said she had been reading some of her old college journals and noticed where she used to pray for me.  You see, when I was in college I battled with depression and anxiety.  My battle was not extreme but difficult nonetheless.   My friend had been perceptive enough to see this during college and became one of my unseen angels, praying for me in the shadows.  I can not thank her enough for those prayers.  However, in our conversation, she opened up to me that she was currently suffering from the same dark nights that I once experienced. 

That God has put me in a place to minister just as much to others as they have to me is astounding.  I do not want to take this gift lightly.  I am humbled that my Father allows such a gracious opportunity to share in the pain of someone else.  To know the fear she feels, and to be able to comfort her and empathize, to give her hope for a peaceful future, to ease her worries a bit is such a great gift in my life.  

I can so often get lost in the “why me’s?” of life.  Obviously, God is bigger and more mysterious than I can know.  If my only reason to have experienced the darkness of depression was to meet this friend in her own pain and ease her even a slight bit, is reason enough.

I’m sitting in Starbucks working and watching the rain fall outside.  I distinctly remember sitting on Momma Banks’ front porch in Covington, Tennessee and singing the Rain Rain Go Away Song….I remember making up silly lyrics about my sister getting lost in a hay stack,  kissing boys in the fields, and bumping our heads on bed posts, etc… there was no rhyme or reason.  But it’s a good memory; laughing, making no sense, and not worrying about anything in life other than getting to play – despite the rain.

I went to the fair for the first time since I’ve moved here and it made me think…

Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts.  I fall into a ferris wheel pattern -  One minute I see things jarringly up-close followed quickly by things blurring together in the distance, sometimes whimsical and dreamy and sometimes disorienting. 

Tonight is one of those nights where my thoughts take me on a ride.

Thought #1: did I put my life together in the manner that a ‘carnie’ sets up a ride?  I’m always waiting for something to go wrong; a screw to come  loose in the foundation of the machine that sends it sailing off the tracks. 

Thought #2: what is the prize at the end of the game?  After I’ve spent all that I can spend, is there a wonderful award, a smelly stuffed unicorn, or does the satisfaction come from knowing that I’ve beaten the unbeatable? 

Thought #3: My thoughts sound very depressing.

Thought #4: When the upper turn of the ferris wheel leaves me feeling whimsical and dreamy I long for a pause button.  These moments in my life, I want to capture.  I’m reminded of an old camera where if you move at all, you blur the image. You must hold your breath, focus on one object. You can’t even blink or you’ll lose it.   If those moments last forever - if they are constant – would I truly understand how amazing they are? Or would I regard them as normal and commonplace?  And then I understand God…

God is love, God is good, God is perfect.  

The only way I see that is because He allows love, goodness, and perfection to be absent at times. He allows me to struggle.  He allows me to think thoughts 1-3. He allows me to make mistakes, to be rude, bitter, hurt, alone.  He doesn’t rejoice in it, though, because He loves me.  He hurts with me, He sees me in my sorrow, and He waits patiently for me to call for Him.  

I wonder sometimes why I make decisions that I know will hurt me… For instance, today at the fair, I ate donuts and a corn dog.  They were delicious!  But my body rejects me when I eat those things.  I thought, ‘it’ll be worth it this time.’  I was wrong.  My body has been aching since the moment I ate them.  My arms, my legs, my head.  I am fatigued, I am grouchy, and worst of all, I am wallowing in self pity. (as you might have noticed)… But again… Even though I make poor decisions, God is ready to be near me.  He reminds me that I can learn from any mistakes.  Even mistakes that are ridiculously delicious!

This life is a ride – enjoy the ups, the downs, and the blurred and dreamy scenes along the way.  You may not win and you may get thrown off along the way, but the ride is worth it – and God is and will be right beside you for the journey.

I prevoiously wrote, and subsequently deleted, a blog about how I understood what God was doing in my life. I understood the gifts He gave me, and I understood what He was teaching me, etc.

It’s funny how God humbles me sometimes.  He basically laughed at the fact that I assumed I understood how He worked, what He thought, what was best for me.  Obviously, I was wrong.  While I thought God was giving me one particular gift, He was – in fact – giving me a much bigger blessing. 

Job 11: 7-8
 7 “Can you fathom the mysteries of God?
       Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?

 8 They are higher than the heavens—what can you do?
       They are deeper than the depths of the grave ^[a] —what can you know?

I am so sad that I’m getting into town late on the night of Halloween this year.  I just learned how to sew (basics only, but sewing none-the-less) and I want so badly to make my own costume. 

I was looking online and saw the PERFECT idea – SMURFETTE!  I used to love ”The Smurfs” – just ask my mother. 

Per www.merriam-webster.com online dictionary:

Discipline
def # 4: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character

I’m pretty sure that this is the hardest thing in the world for me.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I struggle so very much with self discipline, as I’m sure so many people do also. However, there are people in my life that do not struggle with this and are inspirations to me.  From eating well, working out, spending time in the word, I have friends that are amazingly disciplined.  While they may be tempted, they push through and are the stronger for it.  I am jealous of this and their dedication.  They make it seem so easy, as though it is natural to be able to walk away from temptation.  However, I struggle.  I can’t pass up that piece of chocolate, I’d rather sleep in than go for a jog, I don’t stop at 1 glass of wine, and I always come up with something else to do in the place of spending time with God. 

I strive to become better at this.  I want to be a woman of great moral character and fiber. I desire to be a disciplined, mature, and faithful model.  I suppose that’s why God is full of grace and forgiveness and is always willing to start a new day with me – helping me to get better and better… Every day I remind myself a little more that I can do it – every step brings me closer to becoming a disciplined woman.  I know it will always be a struggle for me, but I’ve always been stubborn, so I’m sure with God’s help, we can get closer to the goal!  Wish me luck!

by Kay Ryan

A life should leave
deep tracks:
ruts where she
went out and back
to get the mail
or move the hose
around the yard;
where she used to
stand before the sink,
a worn-out place;
beneath her hand
the china knobs
rubbed down to
white pastilles;
the switch she
used to feel for
in the dark
almost erased.
Her things should
keep her marks.
The passage
of a life should show;
it should abrade.
And when life stops,
a certain space—
however small —
should be left scarred
by the grand and
damaging parade.
Things shouldn’t
be so hard.